5. I'm alive, I survived an horrific accident, why do I feel like throwing myself under a bus-or at least like staying indoors feeling sorry for myself?
"At the start I was a bit like this, at the start I just couldn't stop thinking about 'What if....?" but it happened and I just have to get on with it....every now and then the feeling comes back, due to maybe trying to do something you could do easily before...I haven't run in 10 months, I have no muscle in my shoulder and it gets subluxed and very sore when I try to run..but as they say "Life goes on" and I still think myself lucky and always will."
"I've nearly been there (suicide) too close for comfort...afterwards realised what a God-awful selfish b****rd of a thing to do to all those left behind who love and supported you through the hard times....it must have been awful for my poor folks, you never really appreciate what they go through, never mind you! One thing you should always do once you realise this and that's to tell them how much you appreciated (too small a word for such a big thing) their love and support...trust me, it gets real emotional...but it heals a lot of hurts inside...times like that make you realise what precious things life, love and people are."
" I had psychiatric support following my injury, it lasted longer than I expected but wasn't crippling. I never felt suicidal or depressed enough to stay in. I found going out and exploring the issues far more therapeutic. Maybe I'm lucky I was strong willed, but there's no shame in admitting you're depressed, I was and I did something about it early on."
" ...the jump under the bus syndrome....I think more newbies experience that than we'd like to admit...I prolly would have jumped if I'd not found some sort of support early on. In my experience the medical community totally ignores your mental state. You're expected to deal with it...on your own. They totally miss the point..we aren't just a lump of flesh to be hacked on to "see if we can get the arm working". It's mind and body that heal, not just one or the other. The kicker is, a new injured person DESPERATELY wants the arm as good as new, so you just do what the surgeons tell you, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't."
"...the problem with depression is you don't really understand you're depressed....you realise you were depressed after the fact. Having a bpi can make you focus on all the negative aspects of your life....I met some really great people on internet forums early on and it made a huge difference in my recovery and more importantly my attitude...I learned it's more important to focus on what you CAN do rather than what you can't..the further I get along with this thing the more I learn I can do almost anything a normal peep can do and sometimes even better."
"Feel like jumping under a bus? Too bloody right, after my accident and when my numerous physical injuries were sorted...4/5 months later I think, I was returned to the real world, in my case, no family really, no job and 34 pound a week DSS money. The support I received was not very good and the chip I had on my shoulder was so big I didn't want any help anyway. Depression is a horrible thing, I didn't even know I had it until I'd sunk so low I didn't think I could go any lower. How did I get over it? Interaction with others really helped, as did getting back into life, persevering with things that got me down until I cracked them. I slowly realised that I wasn't a useless one armer....I started getting better at doing things, better sometimes than many of my 2 armed friends.....determination got me through...I'm glad it did, now I'm not thinking about what I lost when I was 20 years old, I'm thinking about what I've gained since my injury, and how glad I am I didn't jump under that bus!"
"....during my days of dark depression I never thought life would be worth living again...I know this must sound a bit bleak, but I can't be the only one out there that did not deal well with it all. I've sunk really low over the years, and if someone had told me I'd get over it, I'd have told them to f#*k off. It took nearly 5 years to realise I had severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...I was hit head on by a guy on the wrong side of the road who lied and said it was my fault....2 court cases and 7 years later the truth came out and I was vindicated in the Royal Court of Appeal...I felt better for getting some closure on it all....if the case hadn't gone my way? I still think that time helps us get over anything."
"I came extremely close to dying. Every day is precious."
"Me too alive. Life became and still is a challenge every day. I wouldn't have many brilliant/crumby experiences if this hadn't happened, which I believe makes for some serious character building and some seriously interesting stories to tell friends and family."
"..for the record, I got over the bpi related depression pretty quick..I now think it's helped make me who I am....but for a while there I was a basket case....it's a pity the docs don't focus more on the practicalities as well as the medical stuff, I think they do make an effort in that at Stanmore and probably elsewhere, but the fact is, NOONE knows what it's really like unless they have a bpi, even professionals or carers who see bpi every day."
"I'm alive and well, I feel so priveliged to be alive after the block of ice hit me like an express train and left me dangling off a rope unconscious 150 feet off the ground. But I do have to say at first I could have thrown myself under a bus as I was really depressed, but with the help from my family and friends (especially my wife and son) I turned a corner and saw the light. "
"This is honest, I have never, at any time, felt like this. I can empathise with these feelings, and understand where they come from, but for me, I truly do feel so lucky to still be alive, I celebrate that every day, just in small ways. Nine years on, I look back and see how many doors opened for me and how the whole thing has made me a far better person than I was. The only thing that ever got me down, was answering, 20 times a day, the question, "What's happened to your arm??" This is one of the reasons I gave up wearing a sling early on. "
"Possibly it's Post Traumatic Stress disorder or something similar, get help, be aware it might happen, ask for support."
MANY thanks to all who made this series of articles possible. If anyone would like any further information about the 5 questions asked and the replies, please email me or Jen or post a message on the boards.
